Can someone tell me about Pat?

Can someone tell me about Pat?
He was 11 the last time I saw him.
How was I supposed to know
that that would be the last time I saw him?

He moved away that summer
between Elementary and High School,
new school, new friends, new beginnings,
do we miss the old friends that moved away?

He was infatuated with me,
while I was not so much,
but he was my first steady
and we never even kissed.

I could have been nicer to him.
I could have been nicer to any of them.
Is that the pattern I set up for my life?
Is that the one he set up for his?

To be disappointed by everyone?
Or to be the dissappointment?
Sometimes I'm confused as to which one I am
as I'm sure he too was confused.

Confused so much as to take his own life.
I ask myself if I'd only been kinder
to my 11 year old friend
could I have saved the man he'd become?

Could his life and his death
still have a purpose for me?
Can I open my eyes to see
beyond what's in it for me?

The existence of my questions
should be enough for me
to realize even the questioning
means there's hope yet for me.

Do the tears I now shed
after 31 years, comfort anyone?
After feeling so lost and alone
what else could he have done?

I carry my loneliness locked deep inside of me
as I struggle and fight to set my personality free
so afraid to be hurt, so afraid to be me,
taking ones own life, how hard can that be?